The disappearance of certain elves from Santa’s workshop this year coincides with the following leaks from the Arctic Circle:
- The outsourcing of toy manufacturing to China over the past decade has led to massive unemployment of elves who are becoming more and more disgruntled, threatening peace and harmony in Santa Land. To soothe emotions, Santa has half-heartedly joined the call for revaluing the renminbi. The only upside for Santa is that his post is not dependent on elven election.
- At the same time, the presence of toxic chemicals in toys saw angry parents trying to serve legal papers on Santa. Emphasis on the word trying: the impaired visibility due to volcanic ash plumes emanating from Iceland earlier this year had not made locating North Pole’s most elusive address any easier.
- The grounding of fleets at major European airports during this year’s winter snow storm was cause of grave concern for Santa, who has in recent years switched to using commercial aircrafts to deliver gifts to children all over the world. The switch to aircrafts was a result of PETA’s protests of unethical reindeer practices flying an overweight pot-bellied man across 7 continents and 5 oceans overnight.
- Santa is appalled by studies indicating that school children’s handwriting has deteriorated with the advent of word processors and auto-correct function. Hence, Santa is reinstating the policy of receiving letters from children the old-fashioned way rather than by email. Consequently, Santa has also decided to replace gift requests of iPads with pen and actual writing pads to encourage the art of penmanship. [*Gasps of disappointment thunder across the globe*]
- Mrs Claus and Santa have been sleeping in separate beds. The reason for this is that Santa’s nocturnal gift-delivering activities around Christmas time disrupts Mrs Claus’ sleep cycle. Also, there was the World Cup this year. It is NOT because of the song “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus” as rumoured. Santa insists that the “Santa Claus” referenced in said song is not him.
- Due to health and safety issues, Santa will avoid delivery around the Gulf of Mexico area this year. Rather, gift requests from children around this area have been forwarded to BP’s Chairman who shall be personally responsible for – amongst other things – ensuring that these kids are kept happy this Christmas, and maybe for many many Christmases to come.
- Santa believes that he may finally get a visa and bring cheer to Burmese children. He figures that if some political dissident’s son can successfully enter Burma, why wouldn’t he ? After all, he is the mighty Santa Claus, bringer of presents, all-knowing who’s naughty or nice and sees you whether you are sleeping or awake!
- Santa is not pleased with the doppelgangers that sprout in shopping malls around Christmas time. In retaliation, Santa wanted to register “Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas!” as a trademark, but has been criticised for being a selfish grouch by attempting to claim exclusivity over a festive greeting.
- Santa accidentally bumped into a tree and smashed his bi-focals during this year’s Winter Solstice. He claims that he is not clumsy, but had momentarily lost footing due to the rare lunar eclipse.
- Following reports that children these days are less and less inclined to believe in Santa Claus, Santa suffers from prolonged depression and has sought psychiatric counselling to nurse the bruised ego. Unfortunately, these counselling fees are ineligible for government medical subsidies and are eating into Santa’s personal savings. The depletion of personal resources and inflationary pressures make Santa wonder when can he actually retire.